If you have been overwhelmed and done any sort of google search while being so, you’ve probably come across the phrase “Self Care”. It’s a pretty self-explanatory term. Taking care of oneself, however, is not something most people are committed to. We are all about GO GO GO, cramming as much into our day as humanly possible. I’m a living example, however, of what happens when one DOES NOT take care of oneself.
It’s how you think of yourself
Love really is a battlefield (Thanks, Pat Benatar.) Especially learning to love yourself. Our society is very judgmental; we view other people, and make assumptions about them. As a person of size, I can say that the assumptions that most people make about me include that I am lazy, that I eat too much, and that I do not care about myself. As you see, these are all negative assumptions. Over my decades of being obese, I have found it exceedingly easy to internalize these judgments. Especially when I look in a mirror.
As time has gone by, our society has become more accepting of persons with disabilities and deformities. It’s a step forward. Internally, however, we can’t seem to give ourselves the same break. There’s a difference between “I don’t like the way I look. I’ll use that as fuel for change” and “I look like sh*t”. (Even typing those words gives me a twinge of shame.) It doesn’t the way I look to say it differently, but it does get rid of the self-punishment of “I look like sh*t”.
We all judge. It’s hard wired into our cortex. The trick is to change the syntax of your thoughts: this is a TURNAROUND. You are “turning around” phrase that your mind has told you and making it more compassionate. It doesn’t change the emotion or feeling that prompted the statement. It does get rid of some of the self-judgment. In my own case, I know all of the events that led to me being this way. Speaking abusively to myself (as I had always done) helps absolutely NO ONE, including me. So when I saw videos that a friend took of me while singing karaoke, while still mortified, I could accept that that is the way I am right now. Either way, change is coming.
Take the meanness out of your self observation
I am HUGE FAN of mindfulness. I have completed both the DBT skills workshops and a full DBT group. I say this all the time – mindfulness is absolutely essential to learning to cut yourself some slack.
The Oxford Dictionary defines mindfulness as “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.” It is the first skill in any DBT group. Many people use it interchangeably with “meditation”, but it’s not quite the same thing. I had an old therapist who told me that “Mindfulness is like watching your thoughts go by on a clear, glass train.” The crux of it is observing your thoughts in the 3rd person, like watching TV. It helps you put the thought into words with the prefix “I just thought…”
i.e., “I just had a thought that I need to get the dishes done.”
Don’t add any emotion or judgment to the thought; just the facts.
You deserve to be treated well by everyone – including YOU.
We internalize what we hear. That’s why verbal abuse is so damaging and takes on a mind of its own after long. Almost all of us have experienced abuse in some form or another – either from our own self-talk, parents, friends, or partners. In my own case, it was my own self-talk bolstered by a significant helping of negativity from past partners. I am so grateful to finally be with a partner who cares for me and doesn’t speak to me in that manner whatsoever. He has, more than anything, contributed to the fact that I can honestly say that I DESERVE GOOD THINGS. You do too.
Sure, everyone has shortcomings. We procrastinate, we space out, we need rest. We don’t have a set number of spoons each day; it changes. My partner works long hours at a physical job; therefore, he spends a lot of his time resting. That’s what he needs. I spend most of my time behind a computer, so my need for rest is different. Point is – JUST REST. That’s the best kind of self care. Don’t judge yourself that you should be able to do more, this still needs to get done… your body doesn’t understand the concept of “just a little more”. If you don’t give your body the opportunity to rest when it needs to, it will take unscheduled rest when it is least convenient for you. I speak from experience.
When in doubt, ask yourself if you would say what you’re saying to yourself in your head to someone else. If you blush and the response is a shocked “No!”, take that as a sign you are being WAY TOO HARSH on yourself and need to take care of your Self. You deserve love, period. It starts in your own heart. 💜
